Wednesday, April 25, 2012

"Welcome to Walmart!" for Mark S.

WARNING: This story may contain STD's, muffintops, and McDonalds. Reader discretion is advised.


Or, "Welcome to Walmart"! (For those of you who can't understand 90 year old's who don't have any teeth left.) 

If you need something, ANYTHING, you can find it here! 

Having weight issues, and can't find clothes that fit? Shop in our toddler section! You will see by the style of our frequent shoppers, that BULGES and CAMELTOE are IN right now! Because everybody at Walmart knows - for every twenty pounds you gain, you go down a size in gym shorts! Also, make sure that whatever shirts you pick show AS MUCH of your muffin top as possible, so that all of the beefy boys at the in-store McDonald's whistle and catcall at your saggy tits as you stomp down the aisle!

Genital warts got you down? Come check out our Walmart pharmacy, where we have our own aisle for products to cover every STD you could ever possibly contract ever! Got a medical question? Don't worry, our pharmacists are completely knowledgeable on all STD's, since all of our pharmacists have contracted most of them at some point in their lives. Need to refill your Vicodin prescription for that "back pain" problem that got resolved (shhh) after surgery ten years ago? Take advantage of our four dollar prescription plan! If you share your pills with the pharmacist, they'll knock a dollar off! We even have pill resale opportunities directly outside of our store! Just visit any of our employees having a smoke break to the left of the entrance, and they will happily purchase and redistribute your pills for whatever price you ask. 

Need some toys for the kiddies? Come into our toy section and check out our wide variety of loud, noisy toys that don't have off switches! If you get hit in the head by a huge bouncy ball/race car/baseball bat, don't worry! It's just the group of unsupervised, foulmouthed six years old's having a good time trying out our products.

Need to return an item? Come to our customer service desk! It doesn't matter if you used the item, broke the item, wiped your ass with the item, don't have the receipt, or if it is from another store! Just make sure to raise your voice gradually and drop f-bombs when speaking to the customer service representative about your return, so that they know that you are serious about wanting your money back.

No need to ever visit your local mom and pop shop again, because we have driven them all out of business with our super low prices!

Oh, and don't forget to set off the alarm on your way out of your store. You will be treated to a lovely "body massage" by one of our aging toothless greeters, to make sure you don't accidentally leave with one of our cheap worthless items. But of course, you will be giggling the whole time - because you stashed your shit in your child's diaper, and no one one's to take a peek in there after little Susie has had diarrhea all day!

Come back soon, our greeters are just dying to see you again!

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