Thursday, April 19, 2012

"The Queen of Mount Creamer" for Lauren

My best buddy Lauren has an obsession with creamer. That's right. Creamer, the shit you put in coffee. Every morning, I watch her turn the creamer container upside down into her coffee until her coffee is thick enough to be sliced. Since I love my friend Lauren, this story is for her. 

Note: This story may contain creamer, but there are definitely no queens or mountains involved. 


Chapter 1 - Shitting Hole

Once upon a time there was a girl named Lauren with beautiful curly dark hair and Jew tendencies. She lived in a town called BoringCoffeeville, and was famous for baking treats and goodies that the townspeople would smash into their faces because they just could not get enough. Every morning, Lauren would skip about the forest next to where she lived in a happy sing song dance as she picked the fresh ingredients for her treats. 

One day, as Lauren was mid-skip, a TERRIBLE EVIL ZOMBIEWITCH (who just happened to be grunting and dragging herself to the hole where she likes to shit) ran right into her and knocked her over.

"YO! Zombiewitch, what the fuck?" Lauren yelped, as she nursed the cut on her knee that she sustained from the fall.

"GURGLESMERGBARFSCHMERG", murmured the zombiewitch, as she continued shuffling towards the shithole as if nothing happened. 

Lauren was sincerely pissed. However, she was indeed curious about the zombiewitch, and whilst the zombiewitch was taking her time at her shitting hole, Lauren ran to the cottage where the zombiewitch lived and decided to have a look around.

Lauren entered the zombiewitch's cottage tentatively, halfway expecting rotting corpses and piss stains on the wall. To her surprise, the cottage was neat and well-kept, with several glass jars of mysterious powders and herbs lining the kitchen counter. One jar in particular caught her interest, and she unscrewed the lid and sniffed.

"HOLY FUCK, THAT'S IT!" Lauren exclaimed as the first scent of the powder hit her nostrils. Lauren was so excited about what she had discovered, that she grabbed the jar and ran all the way to her house.

Chapter 2 - Bitches Get Crazy

"I'm a fucking genius! I'mma make some cash, I'm a fucking geniussssss just look at my genius ass!" Lauren sang as she brewed her special dark beverage made of fresh blueberries (picked near the stream by her house).

"Wait till these bitches get a load of this!!" Lauren shouted in her kitchen after she took the first sip.

"Hodiddly dum, what's all the fuss about?" said Luigi (her hairy neighbor) as his nose led him to Lauren's open kitchen door.

"Taste this shit now and then give me lots of money!" Lauren screamed at Luigi's face, and then rocketed the brew at him, somewhat forgetting that it was scalding hot. 

"I'M MELTING!!" yelled Luigi as he dropped to the floor in agony, gripping his face.

"Hey that's my line!" said the evil zombiewitch as she appeared in the kitchen from thin air.


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