Tuesday, April 3, 2012


The year was 1969. Neil Armstrong had just finished watching "Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid" when he got the call. It was Zebuton, the alien leader of Underearth.

"Neil, bizzbuzzzingzangwickywacky" Zebuton spoke, in his native language.

Neil, being fluent in Underearthanese, understood exactly what he meant, and what he had to do. It seems the Overearthanese leader, Craputon, had planted a bomb on the moon which he planned to detonate with a big red button in his really big laboratory with all sorts of Bunsen burners and chemicals that have names that are most likely not on the periodic table. It was a dire situation indeed.

Neil quickly hung up the phone and stood up, realizing he needed a shower as he was covered in caramel popcorn bits from his previous movie adventure. He knew that he had to fly into outerspace (which he had done many times before), land on the moon and disarm the bomb before Craputon pressed the big red button, thus destroying the moon, the earth's rotation, and song lyrics for generations to come.

There was only one problem. Neil couldn't find his spacesuit. 

He paced around in his sticky caramel covered underwear and thought of a plan. He picked up the phone and called the one man he knew could help.

"Yello?" The man answered upon Neil's call.

"BUZZ! DUDE! Did I leave my spacesuit at your house last night?? I gotta mission, man I need to find it" Neil started.

"Yooo dude, you need to chilll man, why don't you come on down and smoke some doobs with me dude, 69' ain't gonna last forever brah!" Buzz said, sounding rather stoned.

"No man, I can't party I have to save the moon! Do you have my spacesuit or not?" Neil said, exasperated.

"Yeahyeah, it's covered in beer but I got it, come on down, party pooper!" Buzz laughed.

In true astronaut style, Neil hung up the phone, peeled off his sticky underwear, showered, dressed and raced to Buzz's house to pick up his suit within minutes. Buzz answered the door with beer in hand, joint in the other, wearing Neil's beer-covered space suit. 

"What the hell man? I said I NEED my spacesuit and you are WEARING it! I've got to defeat Craputon!" Neil shouted at Buzz.

"Yo dude, it's all cool man you can borrow my spacesuit, same size brotha, same size!" Buzz said, looking quite comical in the spacesuit while he danced to "Aquarius" blaring from his medieval sound system.

"Actually, I could use your help on this trip - I need someone to watch the ship while I disarm the bomb" Neil said, as he found and dressed in Buzz's suit. 

A couple montages later, Buzz and Neil are sitting inside of their spaceship on the moon. They knew that the fate of the world depended on them, and since Neil couldn't use his normal spaceship - he had to borrow a ship from NASA - which meant that the whole event would be televised. They would play it off as if this was the first moon landing, a historic event, one they would surely be remembered for if they succeeded.

Neil knew that the world was watching as he opened the door and went to take his first step, but before his boot hit the soft surface of the moon - Buzz, still drunk and stoned, tumbled out the door tripping both of them and sending them flying into an enormous space crater. Neil heard a crackling in his earphone.

"What the hell was that?" The responders at Houston spoke.

"It's okay, we'll just refilm it later, make it look all nice-like" Buzz replied. Neil glared at him angrily until he saw a large metal object inside of the crater marked, "BOMB". 

"There it is!" Neil exclaimed. "Now get your ass in that spaceship while I disarm the bomb!"

"Yup" Buzz replied as he started back to the spaceship, but he never made it.

Neil had cut the wrong cord on the bomb, causing it to explode and send the moon and earth into a blackhole and into a different universe. Neil and Buzz survived and had a piece of cake after their harrowing experience, and then decided to refilm the moon landing in their garage, which is the video we all know and love today.

The end.

No comments:

Post a Comment