Tuesday, April 3, 2012

An Open Letter To The Piccadilly Circus (WARNING: A LOT of curse words and disturbing and sarcastic language)

Dear creators of the Piccadilly Circus (Reading Edition),

I try not to be a hater. I try to find the good things in whatever I'm doing, whether I'm stuck in traffic (just look at the scenery!) or cleaning the pee off my daughter's sheets for the gazillionth time (well they probably needed to be cleaned anyway!). But this shit that you had going on tonight was straight up busted. BUSTED.

FIRST OFF, you need to get your shit TOGETHER. When I walked into the Sovereign Center tonight, the first words out of my mouth were "what the fuck?". Half of the arena was blocked off, and there was one, not three but ONE small area that I guess you would consider a ring, and then the rest of it was a FUCKING PETTING ZOO. There weren't even interesting animals to pet! It was all shaggy looking goats and llamas that were either fighting with eachother or shitting all over their pens (which we had the perfect seats for watching). And of course the kids were moshing just to get a chance to touch these most likely diseased animals, which you charged 4 bazillion dollars just to look at.

THEN, after a somewhat cool, death-defying motorcyle stunt, you BROUGHT OUT THE CLOWNS. Now I think everyone here can agree that clowns are creepy as fuck. The last thing that I want to do with my Sunday night is watch these motherfuckers running all over the place, squirting water in people's faces and ABUSING HORSES AND DOGS with whips and shit. Fucked up.

After what seemed like maybe twenty minutes of stupid, unfunny, nightmare-inducing clowns, yes you did have some talented people doing weird shit with their bodies, rollerskating and bending in ways I only wish I could. But then you were like "ALRIGHT INTERMISSION"  - which basically means, "ALRIGHT, EVERYBODY GET OUT YOUR WALLETS AND THROW ALL YOUR MONEY INTO THE RING BECAUSE WE ARE GOING TO PARADE SOME BALLOONS AND LIGHT SABERS AND SUPER EXPENSIVE SHIT IN FRONT OF YOUR KIDS UNTIL THEY CRY AND SCREAM AND KICK YOU TO GET THEM ONE!". And of course all of the parents around me are like "Here little Bobby, here's 20 fucking ballons and light sabers because you are amazing and a wonderful child and isn't the circus just great?" And I'm over in my seat with Ireland and she's pointing out every other child's cool shit that they got and saying "MOM WHERE'S MY SHIT" and I'm like "'FUCK IT I'LL GET YOU ONE IF YOU JUST SHUT UP!'". Yeah. I spent so much money on tickets ($90) and then food ($30) that the last thing I want to do is shell out twelve fucking dollars for a Spongebob balloon that my kids going to end up popping before we even get home, causing more tears and drama. Fuckers. Wallet rapers.

Good Lord. I remember going to Barnum and Bailey when I was younger and being amazed at the trapeze artists, and LIVE TIGERS that they had straight up jumping through hoops and eating fire and shit. THAT was a show. 

But this shit you have going on here? Not worth the money. Not worth the time. Not worth praying to God that we don't get a ticket for parking in an area that somebody told us was probably free. Not worth my child refusing to sleep due to a sugar overdose. 

So please, shut your shit down, let those poor deranged senile animals free, and go to a REAL CIRCUS and TAKE SOME GODDAMN NOTES. Because your pickle-dick circus, or whatever the fuck you call it, is a joke.



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