Tuesday, April 3, 2012


There is a place on this planet so evil that no one can comprehend its diabolical plots. It is a secret the U.S Government has been hiding from the public for years. We all know where it is, we all know its name, but we know not of what is inside: Area 51.

The truth is so shocking no one would believe it, but it's true. I know, because I've been there. Purely by accident of course. You see, I've created a teleportation machine. It took me approximately five days, and on the fifth day - my machine worked. I was tinkering inside of the main chamber of the device when a penny dropped out of my pocket. The moment the penny ricocheted off of the wall of the unit I was working on, a spark appeared and I was somewhere else. Turns out copper was the ingredient that made the machine tick. Funny how money can solve so many problems in this world.

I shit my pants. I mean literally, I pooped myself. It was a pretty intense transfer, and I totally wasn't prepared and I was just about to head to the bathroom before that penny dropped out of my pocket and zonked me into this new place. How embarassing to finally perfect teleportation technology, be transported somewhere else, and have to explain to whoever I met on the other side why a distinct smell of shit was wafting around me. Luckily, as I opened my eyes to inspect my surroundings, I discovered that I had been transported to some sort of grocery warehouse - or so I thought.

The machine had placed me, strategically almost, in front of a wall of toilet paper. 

"THANK GOD!" I thought, as I grabbed one of the rolls and cleaned myself of the horrendous atrocity I had commited in my pants. After I finished the deed, I began to look around. The warehouse was huge, but there was no one inside. It was well lit with security devices that seemed way unnecesary for a grocery warehouse. 

As I started walking, I inspected the items in the warehouse. I stopped in front of what appeared to be stacks and stacks of Pepsi. Being thirsty from my travels, I grabbed one and cracked it open to taste the sweet sugary nectar inside. To my surprise, the Pepsi was clear. And then it hit me. This was no ordinary can of Pepsi. This was Crystal Pepsi, which was discontinued in 1993 after sales fell short. 

"Where the hell am I?" I said out loud, savoring the sweet drink that I had missed for years. 

Right next to the stack of Crystal Pepsi was a palette full of Strawberry Pop Tarts Crunch Cereal. The next palette over contained stacks and stacks of Hi-C Ecto Cooler. 

"Oh my God! These are all of the products I used to love but got discontinued!!" I shouted out loud, and almost shit my pants again when I heard somebody yell:


Out from behind a bin full of Crispy M&M's and 7-Up gum came a small, nervous looking man in a lab coat. He looked angered and shocked to see me there.

"Who are you and why are you here?" the man asked.

"First why don't you tell me what the fuck this place is!" I said, grabbing a package of Crispy M&M's and chomping them down before he could reprimand me.

"This is Area 51. It is a highly secure zone, no one can get in or out - who are you working with?" the man in the lab coat said, now looking curious.

"Well you see labcoat man, I created this teleportation device, and before I knew it I accidentally zapped myself here. But wait, if this is Area 51, THIS is what you've been hiding for all of these years?? All of my favorite discontinued products??" I responded, starting to get upset.

"These products are the government's special supply. No one else is allowed to have access to them. Only the top 1% of the America gets these products and they pay a pretty penny for them." he continued.

"YOU GUYS ARE MONSTERS!" I screamed, and began shoving my pockets full of 7-Up gum. 

"You don't want to do that." the labman replied, and slowly pulled a gun out of his pocket.

"Jesus Christ!" I screamed, and began to ran, but it was too late.

I got shot in the head and died, thus sealing the secret of Area 51 forever, again.

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