Thursday, April 5, 2012


Jesse's story request: "Anything thats about me usually entertains me, I want a medieval romance with me as the hero...and dragons...lots of dragons and wenches"

Okay... you asked for it...


In the far away land of Assylvania, there was a prince named Sir-Dix-A-Lot who lived in a large castle made of gold, diamonds, and all things bling. Sir-Dix-A-Lot was a complete dick, in that he owned a dragon name Randy who he fed peasants and bitches to for fun. Randy the dragon was actually a nice dragon, but he was held in captivity by the mean prince, and, when faced with starvation, he had no choice but to chow down on the peasants and bitches that Sir-Dix-A-Lot fed to him daily. Sir-Dix-A-Lot would laugh and laugh as he listened to the chortled screams of the dying peasants and bitches. He was not a very nice man.

One day, a lowly villager named Jessicus Largus Member Maximus the 3rd, A.K.A. Jesse, was chosen for a dragon feeding. Jesse was not very happy with this decision, and said as much to Sir-Dix-A-Lot as he was dragged from his home and to the courtyard where the dragon feedings were held.

"Fucketh this shit! Thou art a dick, and unfair to boot!" yelled Jesse, as the guards tugged him towards his final destination.

"Haha, ho ho ho, thou art a bit cranky today, eh? Randy shall quiet you quickly with his slobbering jaws of power, tally-ho!", laughed Sir-Dix-A-Lot, with his pompously smug smuginess.

As Jesse was being dragged through town, he couldn't help but notice the other villagers that had lined the streets in anticipation for the dragon feeding.

"Savages, the lot of you!" Jesse screamed, surprised to find several of his family members waving their goodbyes as he faced certain death. "Bitches and thieves!" he yelled to his mother, who seemed to be giving a Miss America wave with a big smile on her face as she watched her son flailing and kicking at the guards. You see, dragon feedings in this old timey town were normal and quite exciting. Everybody knew that anyone could be picked at anytime, which was terrifying - but didn't diminish the coolness of watching a person getting eaten by a dragon. 

Once Jesse was thrown into middle of the courtyard, a loud "RAWWRRRR" bellowed from within the depths of the confine. The crowd cheered as Randy the dragon stepped out in his huge, green-winged glory. To his surprise, Jesse was soon joined by a busty woman with long red hair, who was tossed right on top of him as the dragon neared the middle of the compound.

"Well hello there, fine day, is it not - lovely lady?" Jesse said smoothly as he picked the red-haired wench off of him and stood her upright.

"Thou fuckin crazy?? Fuck-eth thou, and fuck-eth this dragon! I didn't sign up for this shit! My name art Sarah, and thou can take thoust hands off my bust now!" Sarah the wench said quite snottily.

"My bad!" Jesse replied, just noticing that he was still grasping the lady's bosom. 

Randy the dragon had been watching the scene with great amusement, and was already full from eating seven peasants/bitches earlier that day. He had a hard life, doing dances and flying around for Sir-Dix-A-Lot at his command. Quite frankly, this dragon was a tired motherfucker, and didn't want to put up with Sir-Dix-A-Lot's shit any longer. So he bent his head down close to Jesse and Sarah and said in his hissing dragon voice,

"Listen up ya'll, I ain't gonna eat you. But I think we should fuck up Sir-DickFace real hard, na mean?"

"HOLY FUCK A TALKING DRAGON!" Jesse and Sarah screamed in unison.

"YO bitches ya'll need to CHILL!" Randy barked. Jesse and Sarah looked at each other in confusion, they weren't understanding what Randy was saying, since he was speaking in dragangster (or, "gangsta-speak" in current times). 

"I'm tryina say CALM THE FUCK DOWN! Here's the deal, big dude, you go run around the courtyard with your wanger out and distract the crowd. Red-headed bitch, you act like the big dude said some fucked up shit to you and start cryin, and I'll use my dragon breath to fuck up Sir-Dickweed and light him on fire and shit, kapeesh?" 

"YES! Thoust dragon art a genius!" said Jesse, quite excited, and he pulled out his junk and started running around like a madman. Sarah took her cue and cried like the bitch she was, screaming about other women and last chances. While Jesse and Sarah caused a commotion and distracted the prince and the crowd, Randy walked over to Sir-Dix-A-Lot in his royal seat at the court and blew a fireball right up his ass. The prince was dead within moments.


"YES!!! I'M A HERO! JUST LIKE MY MOMMY ALWAYS SAID I'D BE!!" Jesse yelled, still running around with his junk out, this time with his fists raised triumphantly in the air. Randy on the other hand, was quite upset about the whole thing. It was his idea to kill the prince! Those dumbass peasant bitch motherfuckers did nothing! 

And so, Randy the dragon settled into a deep depression and eventually died of loneliness and starvation after swearing off peasants/bitches and becoming a vegan. Jesse became King of all of Assylvania, and took Sarah the bitch/wench to be his wife. They had fifty-two children who all grew up to be successful lawyers and doctors, and nobody ever spoke of Randy the dragon or Sir-Dix-A-Lot again.

The END.

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