Saturday, April 21, 2012

Insect Mercy Level (When Found Inside My House)

So there I was, kicking back on a quiet night, drinking my water and attempting not to vomit from the amount of effort I was making to try to understand HR Law and Ethics, when I felt a tickle on my left big toe.

"Aieeeeeeeefuck!" I screamed as I shook off the stinkbug, who had so comfortably decided to chill on my toe. My first instinct was to let this motherfucker drown in the toilet, wrapped in a nice toilet paper cocoon. However, my mind instantly flashed to the same stinkbug making it out of the death cocoon, hiding underneath the toilet seat, and flying onto my ass while I'm peeing, and it prevents me from doing so. He flutters around a bit, visibly shaken, and decides to land on my coffee table. So I did what any sane person would do. I talked to it.

"Okay listen up Mr. Stinkbug, I'm going to get you out of here. Okay? I'm going to make sure you get out safe. But you tell your other stinkbug friends outside, that I will not show them the mercy I showed you tonight should they happen to venture into my humble abode."

And so I carefully picked him up with a paper towel, making sure not to crush his little legs, slowly walked downstairs and rested the the paper towel on the stoop outside. As I set him down, I reminded him:

"You remember what I said, okay? You tell your friends, or they die." Of course the moment I say this a couple strolled by and immediately turned their heads at the word "die". Seeing no one around me, they looked even more disturbed as they looked back and continued on their nighttime stroll. 

Yes. I am a weirdo. And I am not a bug killer. Really I'm not. depends on the bug.

Insect Mercy Level (When Found Inside My House)

-Stinkbugs: Mercy Level - 1%. All others sentenced to drowning by toilet cocoon or paper towel suffocation followed by being smashed and crushed repeatedly. 

-Flies: Mercy Level - 0%. Die by any means necessary, as fast as possible. Usually with flip flops.

-Spiders: Mercy Level - 100%. Always carefully cradled by hand or within a glass/magazine capturing device and given a slow ride outside to be let free amongst the bushes. I used to hate these things, but having them around me ALL THE TIME in Hawaii... I kind of got used to them. They actually aren't so bad. They probably eat most of the other bugs in your house, so they are doing your job for you. Plus some of them look cool.

-Cockroaches: Mercy Level - .5%. The only reason I say .5% is because sometimes these fuckers are hard to catch. What the hell was God thinking when he created these abominations? "Oh and after these beautiful mountains and clouds, I think I'll create some disgusting looking leggy little things that eat everything and never die. Yeah, then after that I'll make some beautiful trees and fish...". I HATE killing these things because they GUSH guts and shit wherever you smash them. FUCKING DISGUSTING!

-Centipedes: Mercy Level - 95%. It depends on where they are found. If found hanging out on the walls, I will use my handy glass/magazine capturing devices and fling them outside. If I find one in the shower, well, it's probably 5am and I can't feel mercy until after I have at least two cups of coffee, so I'll probably just smash it until it goes down the drain.

-Crickets/Grasshoppers/Praying Mantis: Mercy Level - 100%. Are welcome inside my home whenever. I'll probably even hang out with them for a bit and chat.

"So uh, Praying Mantis, man, how's it been?" I'll ask.


"Yeah yeah, I feel that way too. Want some of this cereal?"


"Yo dude, don't get all offended. How was I supposed to know your kind can't eat cereal?"

And so on and so forth.

-Ants: Mercy Level - 25%. I'm on the fence about these guys. It's like, if I see one here or there in my house occasionally, I don't even bother. But when I get the sense that they might be plotting to dominate my house, I go nutso and spray so much Raid that I have to air out my place for a day.


I can't even think of any other bugs I've seen in my house and smashed/saved recently. 

So here's a question for you guys:

What bugs do you find in your house, and do you save or smash? What's your mercy level?

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