Today I watched my daughter playing with my cousins in the field at my parent's house. I was surrounded by friends and family, and I could feel every worry in my life sliding away as I watched bubbles float into the sunlight. The comfort in being surrounded by people who love you unconditionally is the best feeling in the world.
Today was about my brother Adam, who I love and would do anything for. He came home for a few days to visit before going back home, but as my husband, daughter and I dropped him off to say goodbye for who knows how long, my heart sank, and something my Mom said earlier in the day popped in my head,
"Today was almost perfect, except it was missing Petey and Jill."
I honestly don't remember the last time my entire family was in the same room together. Maybe at Christmas years ago, but even then it felt short-lived. We have all grown up, we have all gone our separate ways to do our separate things. But I can't help but feel like it's unfair. Maybe we don't always get along, or maybe we've got something going on in our lives that prevents us from seeing each other, or maybe the physical distance and money to travel is too great. But I fucking miss my family. I miss the people that I grew up with who made me who I am today.
I already miss Adam. As much as we probably drove each other bonkers living together in Hawaii, Adam is an awesome, funny and kind person. He is a great uncle to Irie, can cook a mean ass Ahi Taco, and knows how to get shit done. One of the greatest moments in my life was hanging out with him in the waves on a perfect day at Kalalau beach, after a grueling 11 mile hike. I cried a bit as we drove away today, wondering when I would see him next.
I miss my brother Petey, who works nonstop just to provide for his family. He is a master lottery ticket picker, an amazing chef, hilarious, and has more street smarts than anybody else I know. He is a great Dad, and even though he isn't far, he has a busy life with his family. I have seen him three times now since coming home in November of last year, which is not nearly enough.
I miss my sister Jill. She is beautiful and talented at pretty much everything she does. She is great with kids, and can also kick your ass if need be. I remember all of the adventures we used to go on when we were younger. She lives in a place far away, in a different culture, a different life. The last time I saw her in person was almost two years ago.
It's just fucking unfair. I just wish we could all be in the same room again, even if for an hour. I miss it. Yeah, we all bitch about each other, yeah there are bad memories sometimes that haunt us. But fuck - isn't that part of being a family? I feel like we are all running away from each other, trying to find something to make us feel normal, make us feel new, make us feel happy, make us feel settled, find out who the fuck we are. But today was the most normal and happy that I've felt in a long time, and it was because of family and friends.
Maybe we have all been running from the one thing that makes us whole - each other. We all have our quirks, shit we wish the other person wouldn't do, but in the end we are all the same blood. We all came from the same two awesome parents, who would do anything for us at the blink of an eye.
Coming home from Hawaii made me realize how important my family is to me. Being around family and friends has made me understand that they are a part of who I am. As much as we have all grown up, that is still no excuse for abandonment, missed phone calls and lives that are too busy for what is really important. I am guilty of all three, as are most of us.
I miss you all. I pray that you all figure out what you need in your life to be happy. But I know right now that without all of you, I feel like a piece of my heart is missing. Skype isn't enough. Phone calls aren't enough. I need you all near me. I need to see your faces, hear your voices. I just need all of you.