Bitches. A drunken rant (about bitches)

I decided to take a break from story requests, and embark on a new rant - because I am disturbed. Do you know why I'm disturbed? 

(You guys) "No Malory, tell us, please!"

I'm disturbed about other women. Because most of them are bitches. Really. It's fucking annoying and stupid. 

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Dear Bitches,

Why do you insist on being assholes to other girls? Why? Maybe you are at a party, and you are all nice to someone and then talk complete shit on them to other bitches. Why? Does this make you feel better about yourself? 

Being a bitch does not make you cooler, prettier, or smarter then your victim. Chances are, you've been out of high school for several years now, so quit it with the clique bullshit. And why on earth do you have to hate on other women? Is it competition? For what? Why? A boy's attention? To be the center of attention in the group? Let me ask you another question, why the fuck does it matter?

Do you bitches seriously not have lives? What do you do when you get home, bitch about other women to your probably near-suicidal spouse? Fucking stop it! 

Here's a couple ideas: Next time you want to hate on another girl because you're either jealous, a terrible person, or fucking retarded, you can try one of these instead:

-Go outside and look at trees for fifteen minutes

-Actually listen to what other people have to say

-Sew your mouth shut

-Be genuinely nice to someone

-Smile

-Do something nice for your spouse

-Do something nice for another girl who isn't also a bitch

-Pet a dog

-Learn to juggle

-Eat pizza

-Donate money to charity

-Help old people carry heavy shit

-Carry heavy children for tired mothers

-Learn Kung Fu

-Stop being a bitch

And the list goes on and on. 

Don't you see? There are so many other things you could be doing instead of being bitchy all day. I mean, do you like being a bitch? Is it fun for you?

By all means, if being a bitch makes you happy, go for it, but.... I have a feeling that isn't the case for most bitches.

Because it seems that most bitches are just fucking miserable yabbermouths. The shame is, most of these bitches are hot - but then they open their mouths and it's like "ewww that bitch is ugly". In reality, you aren't ugly - you are just mean, which makes you fucking ugly.

So stop. Be nice to other people, it will make you happy, and it will make you feel really good. And then maybe you'll realize that life is about more than being a bitch.

Love,

Me

"Welcome to Walmart!" for Mark S.

WARNING: This story may contain STD's, muffintops, and McDonalds. Reader discretion is advised.
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WECOMA WABART!


Or, "Welcome to Walmart"! (For those of you who can't understand 90 year old's who don't have any teeth left.) 


If you need something, ANYTHING, you can find it here! 


Having weight issues, and can't find clothes that fit? Shop in our toddler section! You will see by the style of our frequent shoppers, that BULGES and CAMELTOE are IN right now! Because everybody at Walmart knows - for every twenty pounds you gain, you go down a size in gym shorts! Also, make sure that whatever shirts you pick show AS MUCH of your muffin top as possible, so that all of the beefy boys at the in-store McDonald's whistle and catcall at your saggy tits as you stomp down the aisle!


Genital warts got you down? Come check out our Walmart pharmacy, where we have our own aisle for products to cover every STD you could ever possibly contract ever! Got a medical question? Don't worry, our pharmacists are completely knowledgeable on all STD's, since all of our pharmacists have contracted most of them at some point in their lives. Need to refill your Vicodin prescription for that "back pain" problem that got resolved (shhh) after surgery ten years ago? Take advantage of our four dollar prescription plan! If you share your pills with the pharmacist, they'll knock a dollar off! We even have pill resale opportunities directly outside of our store! Just visit any of our employees having a smoke break to the left of the entrance, and they will happily purchase and redistribute your pills for whatever price you ask. 


Need some toys for the kiddies? Come into our toy section and check out our wide variety of loud, noisy toys that don't have off switches! If you get hit in the head by a huge bouncy ball/race car/baseball bat, don't worry! It's just the group of unsupervised, foulmouthed six years old's having a good time trying out our products.


Need to return an item? Come to our customer service desk! It doesn't matter if you used the item, broke the item, wiped your ass with the item, don't have the receipt, or if it is from another store! Just make sure to raise your voice gradually and drop f-bombs when speaking to the customer service representative about your return, so that they know that you are serious about wanting your money back.


No need to ever visit your local mom and pop shop again, because we have driven them all out of business with our super low prices!


Oh, and don't forget to set off the alarm on your way out of your store. You will be treated to a lovely "body massage" by one of our aging toothless greeters, to make sure you don't accidentally leave with one of our cheap worthless items. But of course, you will be giggling the whole time - because you stashed your shit in your child's diaper, and no one one's to take a peek in there after little Susie has had diarrhea all day!


Come back soon, our greeters are just dying to see you again!

The Toothbrush Debate

I love my husband more than words can say. That sounds cheesy as fuck, but just stay with me for a minute. This man has been there through thick and thin and puts up with massive amounts of my bullshit on a daily basis. He is the kindest dude that ever was, with one exception: he hates it when I use his toothbrush. 

Now some of you may say, "ewww why would you use someone else's toothbrush, that's gross!", but to you I say fuck off. He's my husband, my fucking HUSBAND. The man who has witnessed/seen/touched (whether accidental or not) every single bodily fluid I could possibly excrete/spew/gush ever. He has wiped my vomit off of a toilet seat, washed my shitty pants after a day of being awful bad sick, and has dealt with my sweating issues since forever. So why the FUCK does he have a problem with me using his toothbrush? 

Now I admit, I'm a chewer. I do waste toothbrushes in no time. And maybe my husband has a sparkly purple toothbrush. And I can imagine that maybe he has grown an attachment to said toothbrush. So yes, that should trigger some annoyance; yes, that I can understand. But it's.a.TOOTHBRUSH!  Technically, we are losing toothbrushes at the exact same rate regardless of the toothbrush I use, so why should it matter?

Is this a dominance issue, because I am constantly organizing his shit and maybe we have different operational definitions for the term "organize"? 

His definition of organize: Pile shit in corner of room, regardless of room.

My definition of organize: Put shit where it goes. Can now walk in house without killing self.

And so his constant complaint is "stop fucking up my shit!", when I'm all like "you mean our shit?" so maybe that's why he hates me using his toothbrush, because using his toothbrush = "fucking with his shit"? We have debated many nights over this topic, and we just can't seem to agree. 

Honey: I love you. Don't kill me :) Rum!         ............(Don't ask.)

And so I pose to readers: 

Do you have the toothbrush debate at your house? What color is your toothbrush?

Facebook or Blogger feedback appreciated!

Insect Mercy Level (When Found Inside My House)

So there I was, kicking back on a quiet night, drinking my water and attempting not to vomit from the amount of effort I was making to try to understand HR Law and Ethics, when I felt a tickle on my left big toe.

"Aieeeeeeeefuck!" I screamed as I shook off the stinkbug, who had so comfortably decided to chill on my toe. My first instinct was to let this motherfucker drown in the toilet, wrapped in a nice toilet paper cocoon. However, my mind instantly flashed to the same stinkbug making it out of the death cocoon, hiding underneath the toilet seat, and flying onto my ass while I'm peeing, and it prevents me from doing so. He flutters around a bit, visibly shaken, and decides to land on my coffee table. So I did what any sane person would do. I talked to it.

"Okay listen up Mr. Stinkbug, I'm going to get you out of here. Okay? I'm going to make sure you get out safe. But you tell your other stinkbug friends outside, that I will not show them the mercy I showed you tonight should they happen to venture into my humble abode."

And so I carefully picked him up with a paper towel, making sure not to crush his little legs, slowly walked downstairs and rested the the paper towel on the stoop outside. As I set him down, I reminded him:

"You remember what I said, okay? You tell your friends, or they die." Of course the moment I say this a couple strolled by and immediately turned their heads at the word "die". Seeing no one around me, they looked even more disturbed as they looked back and continued on their nighttime stroll. 

Yes. I am a weirdo. And I am not a bug killer. Really I'm not. 


Well...it depends on the bug.

Insect Mercy Level (When Found Inside My House)

-Stinkbugs: Mercy Level - 1%. All others sentenced to drowning by toilet cocoon or paper towel suffocation followed by being smashed and crushed repeatedly. 

-Flies: Mercy Level - 0%. Die by any means necessary, as fast as possible. Usually with flip flops.

-Spiders: Mercy Level - 100%. Always carefully cradled by hand or within a glass/magazine capturing device and given a slow ride outside to be let free amongst the bushes. I used to hate these things, but having them around me ALL THE TIME in Hawaii... I kind of got used to them. They actually aren't so bad. They probably eat most of the other bugs in your house, so they are doing your job for you. Plus some of them look cool.

-Cockroaches: Mercy Level - .5%. The only reason I say .5% is because sometimes these fuckers are hard to catch. What the hell was God thinking when he created these abominations? "Oh and after these beautiful mountains and clouds, I think I'll create some disgusting looking leggy little things that eat everything and never die. Yeah, then after that I'll make some beautiful trees and fish...". I HATE killing these things because they GUSH guts and shit wherever you smash them. FUCKING DISGUSTING!

-Centipedes: Mercy Level - 95%. It depends on where they are found. If found hanging out on the walls, I will use my handy glass/magazine capturing devices and fling them outside. If I find one in the shower, well, it's probably 5am and I can't feel mercy until after I have at least two cups of coffee, so I'll probably just smash it until it goes down the drain.

-Crickets/Grasshoppers/Praying Mantis: Mercy Level - 100%. Are welcome inside my home whenever. I'll probably even hang out with them for a bit and chat.

"So uh, Praying Mantis, man, how's it been?" I'll ask.

*silence*

"Yeah yeah, I feel that way too. Want some of this cereal?"

*silence*

"Yo dude, don't get all offended. How was I supposed to know your kind can't eat cereal?"

And so on and so forth.

-Ants: Mercy Level - 25%. I'm on the fence about these guys. It's like, if I see one here or there in my house occasionally, I don't even bother. But when I get the sense that they might be plotting to dominate my house, I go nutso and spray so much Raid that I have to air out my place for a day.


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I can't even think of any other bugs I've seen in my house and smashed/saved recently. 

So here's a question for you guys:

What bugs do you find in your house, and do you save or smash? What's your mercy level?

"The Queen of Mount Creamer" for Lauren

My best buddy Lauren has an obsession with creamer. That's right. Creamer, the shit you put in coffee. Every morning, I watch her turn the creamer container upside down into her coffee until her coffee is thick enough to be sliced. Since I love my friend Lauren, this story is for her. 


Note: This story may contain creamer, but there are definitely no queens or mountains involved. 

THE QUEEN OF MOUNT CREAMER for Lauren


Chapter 1 - Shitting Hole


Once upon a time there was a girl named Lauren with beautiful curly dark hair and Jew tendencies. She lived in a town called BoringCoffeeville, and was famous for baking treats and goodies that the townspeople would smash into their faces because they just could not get enough. Every morning, Lauren would skip about the forest next to where she lived in a happy sing song dance as she picked the fresh ingredients for her treats. 


One day, as Lauren was mid-skip, a TERRIBLE EVIL ZOMBIEWITCH (who just happened to be grunting and dragging herself to the hole where she likes to shit) ran right into her and knocked her over.


"YO! Zombiewitch, what the fuck?" Lauren yelped, as she nursed the cut on her knee that she sustained from the fall.


"GURGLESMERGBARFSCHMERG", murmured the zombiewitch, as she continued shuffling towards the shithole as if nothing happened. 


Lauren was sincerely pissed. However, she was indeed curious about the zombiewitch, and whilst the zombiewitch was taking her time at her shitting hole, Lauren ran to the cottage where the zombiewitch lived and decided to have a look around.


Lauren entered the zombiewitch's cottage tentatively, halfway expecting rotting corpses and piss stains on the wall. To her surprise, the cottage was neat and well-kept, with several glass jars of mysterious powders and herbs lining the kitchen counter. One jar in particular caught her interest, and she unscrewed the lid and sniffed.


"HOLY FUCK, THAT'S IT!" Lauren exclaimed as the first scent of the powder hit her nostrils. Lauren was so excited about what she had discovered, that she grabbed the jar and ran all the way to her house.


Chapter 2 - Bitches Get Crazy


"I'm a fucking genius! I'mma make some cash, I'm a fucking geniussssss just look at my genius ass!" Lauren sang as she brewed her special dark beverage made of fresh blueberries (picked near the stream by her house).


"Wait till these bitches get a load of this!!" Lauren shouted in her kitchen after she took the first sip.


"Hodiddly dum, what's all the fuss about?" said Luigi (her hairy neighbor) as his nose led him to Lauren's open kitchen door.


"Taste this shit now and then give me lots of money!" Lauren screamed at Luigi's face, and then rocketed the brew at him, somewhat forgetting that it was scalding hot. 


"I'M MELTING!!" yelled Luigi as he dropped to the floor in agony, gripping his face.


"Hey that's my line!" said the evil zombiewitch as she appeared in the kitchen from thin air.


TO BE CONTINUED...

Hypocrites - For Leesha (WARNING: Extreme levels of curse words and horrid language)

So, I'm interrupting my normal order of stories (Lauren's is supposed to be next) to do Leesha's topic, because it is something that I experienced first-hand today. Ladies and gentlemen, today's rant is about: 

Hypocrites.

WARNING! TONS of cursing and angry language.

Everyone has been a hypocrite at some point in their lives. Don't lie. You know you've said shit like, "oh yeah I go to church every Sunday" when most Sundays you're vomiting in your toilet because you downed too many 7 & 7's the night before. Or maybe you've told people what an awesome swimmer you are, when the extent of your swimming experience includes trying not to drown in your own bathtub. You get my meaning. I've got no problems with that sort of hypocrisy. I do that shit too. I'm human just like everyone else.

The type of hypocrites I'm referring to in this rant, are the motherfuckers that make saying shit about themselves that isn't true their job. They consistently lie about themselves to make themselves look better, when in reality they are pig fuckers that don't do shit EVER. You know who I'm talking about. Maybe it's that dude in your class that's like "OH YEAH I'M A TOTAL ANIMAL RIGHTS ACTIVIST, I BREAK TIGERS OUT OF ZOOS AND CONCEAL THEM ON PLANES IN MY CARRY ON AND THEN FREE THEM IN THEIR NATURAL AFRICAN HABITAT" or the bitch in your Mommy and Me class that's like "LITTLE JEANIE NEVER CRIES OR SHITS EVER AND SLEEPS EVERY NIGHT BECAUSE I AM THE BEST MOM IN WHOLE WORLD!". Yeah. FUCK those people. 

Today I had, let's say, an altercation with a hypocrite. I won't name names, or say where it happened, but I will outline the situation for you to the best of my ability. I've had a hard week, I've been in a training class for four days packing my brain with information, and every night when I go home, I have to do at least three or four hours of homework for my classes at school. This is in addition to cleaning my house, making dinner, making sure my daughter is fed and put to bed and that everything is set up for the next day. Not to mention a million other obligations I have that I've committed to because I'm a looney tune overachiever. In other words, I'm tired as fuck. 

Before I tell you what happened, let me give you a little background on the hypocrite ballsack I'm going to reference in my story. 

Hypocrite Ballsack, let's call him, Pig Fucker, is a lazy ass bullshitter who does nothing but make disgusting comments about is teeny tiny pecker in the most inappropriate situations, at the most inappropriate times. I don't think I've ever seen this guy lift a finger in his fucking life without whining and crying to someone to help him figure out how to write his own goddamn name on a piece of fucking paper. He likes to stand around and act as if he's accomplishing something, when in reality, he's itching his asshole and sniffing his finger, hoping that nobody notices.

So Pig Fucker decided to make a comment to me today, where he basically told me that I do nothing. Albeit, he was attempting to make a joke, but there was a hint of seriousness in it that made my fists clench so hard that I had to stop myself from bashing his fucking face in until there was nothing left. Let's review, Pig Fucker, King of Bullshitting and Itchy Assholes told ME that I do NOTHING. NOTHING.

MOTHERFUCKER, LET ME TELL YOU WHAT I DO. I wake up at 5:30am every GODDAMN MORNING and wake EVERYONE UP to get their asses moving to get ready for work and school, I DRIVE from PHOENIXVILLE TO MOUNT PENN to drop my daughter off, then I go to work, THINK A LOT, get off, pick up my daughter, and drive all the way home. The SECOND I walk in the door at 6:30pm I'm picking up shit, I'm vacuuming, I'm making dinner, I'm making lunches for the next day, I'm picking out clothes for myself and my daughter the next day, I'm putting my daughter down (reading her books and shit), I'm doing anywhere from 3-4 hours of homework a night, I'm PAYING BILLS, I'm scoping opportunities for jewelry parties for my now SECOND JOB, I'm consoling my husband after he's had a shitty day at work, and THEN maybe THEN at 12am I get to lay down and sleep. Rinse and repeat. This is not to mention the millions of other obligations I've agreed to to help out my friends and family, because I try to help out everyone as much as possible, even if it means fucking myself out of having a break ever.

So FUCK YOU HYPOCRITE PIG FUCKER. Go shove your hand down your fucking throat until it comes out your asshole so you can move your hand around and do sign language because all you ever do is talk out your ass. I try so fucking hard to get good grades, learn at my job, help others in anyway I can, that the biggest insult you can say to me is that I DO NOTHING. 

Anyone who knows me, who REALLY knows me, understands that I cannot sit down until all of the shit I need to do for the day is completed. I can't let myself do it. If I try to take a night off, or go on Facebook for longer than a couple minutes at a time when I've got homework waiting, I kill myself with guilt until I finish doing what I need to do. By the time I'm finished for the day, I am so fucking tired that I can't see straight to sit on the toilet and piss. Hence, my coffee addiction during the day. Now you all know the one thing not to say to me, because I swear the next time anyone even INSINUATES that I do nothing, they will be getting anthrax in the mail.

In short folks, if you find yourself saying shit about yourself that isn't true on a daily basis, JUST STOP IT. STOP. EVERYONE KNOWS you are a lying asshole. You have no credibility whatsoever. And do not make the mistake of criticizing others, because one of these days, you will get punched in the fucking face. WORD.

THE FORGOTTEN STORY OF RANDY THE DRAGON for Jesse

Jesse's story request: "Anything thats about me usually entertains me, I want a medieval romance with me as the hero...and dragons...lots of dragons and wenches"


Okay... you asked for it...

THE FORGOTTEN STORY OF RANDY THE DRAGON

In the far away land of Assylvania, there was a prince named Sir-Dix-A-Lot who lived in a large castle made of gold, diamonds, and all things bling. Sir-Dix-A-Lot was a complete dick, in that he owned a dragon name Randy who he fed peasants and bitches to for fun. Randy the dragon was actually a nice dragon, but he was held in captivity by the mean prince, and, when faced with starvation, he had no choice but to chow down on the peasants and bitches that Sir-Dix-A-Lot fed to him daily. Sir-Dix-A-Lot would laugh and laugh as he listened to the chortled screams of the dying peasants and bitches. He was not a very nice man.

One day, a lowly villager named Jessicus Largus Member Maximus the 3rd, A.K.A. Jesse, was chosen for a dragon feeding. Jesse was not very happy with this decision, and said as much to Sir-Dix-A-Lot as he was dragged from his home and to the courtyard where the dragon feedings were held.

"Fucketh this shit! Thou art a dick, and unfair to boot!" yelled Jesse, as the guards tugged him towards his final destination.

"Haha, ho ho ho, thou art a bit cranky today, eh? Randy shall quiet you quickly with his slobbering jaws of power, tally-ho!", laughed Sir-Dix-A-Lot, with his pompously smug smuginess.

As Jesse was being dragged through town, he couldn't help but notice the other villagers that had lined the streets in anticipation for the dragon feeding.

"Savages, the lot of you!" Jesse screamed, surprised to find several of his family members waving their goodbyes as he faced certain death. "Bitches and thieves!" he yelled to his mother, who seemed to be giving a Miss America wave with a big smile on her face as she watched her son flailing and kicking at the guards. You see, dragon feedings in this old timey town were normal and quite exciting. Everybody knew that anyone could be picked at anytime, which was terrifying - but didn't diminish the coolness of watching a person getting eaten by a dragon. 

Once Jesse was thrown into middle of the courtyard, a loud "RAWWRRRR" bellowed from within the depths of the confine. The crowd cheered as Randy the dragon stepped out in his huge, green-winged glory. To his surprise, Jesse was soon joined by a busty woman with long red hair, who was tossed right on top of him as the dragon neared the middle of the compound.

"Well hello there, fine day, is it not - lovely lady?" Jesse said smoothly as he picked the red-haired wench off of him and stood her upright.

"Thou fuckin crazy?? Fuck-eth thou, and fuck-eth this dragon! I didn't sign up for this shit! My name art Sarah, and thou can take thoust hands off my bust now!" Sarah the wench said quite snottily.

"My bad!" Jesse replied, just noticing that he was still grasping the lady's bosom. 

Randy the dragon had been watching the scene with great amusement, and was already full from eating seven peasants/bitches earlier that day. He had a hard life, doing dances and flying around for Sir-Dix-A-Lot at his command. Quite frankly, this dragon was a tired motherfucker, and didn't want to put up with Sir-Dix-A-Lot's shit any longer. So he bent his head down close to Jesse and Sarah and said in his hissing dragon voice,

"Listen up ya'll, I ain't gonna eat you. But I think we should fuck up Sir-DickFace real hard, na mean?"

"HOLY FUCK A TALKING DRAGON!" Jesse and Sarah screamed in unison.

"YO bitches ya'll need to CHILL!" Randy barked. Jesse and Sarah looked at each other in confusion, they weren't understanding what Randy was saying, since he was speaking in dragangster (or, "gangsta-speak" in current times). 

"I'm tryina say CALM THE FUCK DOWN! Here's the deal, big dude, you go run around the courtyard with your wanger out and distract the crowd. Red-headed bitch, you act like the big dude said some fucked up shit to you and start cryin, and I'll use my dragon breath to fuck up Sir-Dickweed and light him on fire and shit, kapeesh?" 

"YES! Thoust dragon art a genius!" said Jesse, quite excited, and he pulled out his junk and started running around like a madman. Sarah took her cue and cried like the bitch she was, screaming about other women and last chances. While Jesse and Sarah caused a commotion and distracted the prince and the crowd, Randy walked over to Sir-Dix-A-Lot in his royal seat at the court and blew a fireball right up his ass. The prince was dead within moments.

"YAYYY! SIR JESSE! THE DRAGON WHISPERER!! HE DEFEATED THE MEAN PRINCE!!!" roared the crowd. 

"YES!!! I'M A HERO! JUST LIKE MY MOMMY ALWAYS SAID I'D BE!!" Jesse yelled, still running around with his junk out, this time with his fists raised triumphantly in the air. Randy on the other hand, was quite upset about the whole thing. It was his idea to kill the prince! Those dumbass peasant bitch motherfuckers did nothing! 

And so, Randy the dragon settled into a deep depression and eventually died of loneliness and starvation after swearing off peasants/bitches and becoming a vegan. Jesse became King of all of Assylvania, and took Sarah the bitch/wench to be his wife. They had fifty-two children who all grew up to be successful lawyers and doctors, and nobody ever spoke of Randy the dragon or Sir-Dix-A-Lot again.

The END.